The Lord of chaRings
by Mary Sue Writer
Summary: Sweet and funny... Read and Review! NOT FOR BRITNEY SPEARS LOVERS!
1. Prologue

The Lord of chaRings

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_Three mirrors for the Elven Kings under the sky_

_Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone_

_Nine for mortal men doomed to die_

_One for the gay lord on his fancy throne_

_In the __land__ of __Blueberry__ when the shadows lie_

_One mirror to rule them all, one mirror to find them_

_One mirror to bring them all and in the beauty salon bind them_

_In the __land__ of __Blueberry__ where the shadows lie_

            It began with the forging of the great mirrors. Three were given to the Elves; Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords: Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine mirrors were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desired beauty. For within these mirrors was bound the strength and the will to govern and beautify all the members of each race. But they were, all of them, deceived; for another mirror was made. In the land of Blueberry, in the fires of Mount Boom, the Gay Lord Cyril forged, in secret, a master mirror. And into this mirror he poured his vanity, his homosexuality and his will to make all men gay. One mirror to rule them all. One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the mirror.

            But there were some who resisted. It was those men who wanted to get married. Those who wanted to have children. A last alliance of straight Elves and Men marched against the gay armies of Blueberry.

            And on the slopes of Mount Boom they fought for the freedom of all the males who turned gay. Victory was near, but the power of the mirror could not be undone.

            It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword. Cyril, the enemy of the straight males of Middle-Earth, was defeated. The mirror passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the mirror of power and homosexuality has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two-and-a-half thousand years, the Mirror passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The mirror came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty mountains. And there, it consumed him. The mirror brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years, it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And the Mirror of power and homosexuality perceived: its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened then, the mirror did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: A hobbit, Bilao Baddings of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all…


	2. Chapter 1: The Fellowship of chaRings

I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own Lord of the Rings, and I don't own the Merchant of Venice. Etc. P.S. I don't own the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. Wish I did though!

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Chapter 1: The Fellowship of chaRings

            Years have passed since the lord of chaRings, Lord Cyril, was defeated. But he managed to find a powerful wizard who would gladly continue his legacy on Middle Earth. Saruman Suman, dark, homosexual and a very insecure fag. He was offered by Lord Cyril everlasting beauty. In exchange, he should find the One Mirror. Saruman Suman, being so insecure, agreed and so he formed the fellowship of chaRings.

Forming of the Fellowship of chaRings.

            Saruman called a meeting of the high council of the gays. And the proud members were Legolas Greenleaf, an elf and the Prince of Mirkwood; Harry Potter, a wizard and the-boy-who-lived; Antonio, a man and the merchant of Venice; Remus Lupin, another wizard and also a werewolf; and James Potter, another wizard and the-father-of-the-boy-who-lived. The meeting of the high council of the gays was in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel of Middle Earth. One by one the gay members arrived. Legolas arrived, wearing pink sleeveless gown that has vampire-like collar. He had a very glamorous and feathery headdress. Harry Potter arrived wearing a V-neck, fitted shirt that almost exposed his fake silicon boobies and a very sexy leather pants. Remus Lupin arrived, wearing tube and micro-mini-skirt and a 5 inch heels. Antonio on the other hand arrived, wearing a black cloak. Everybody thought he was the most decent but when he took the cloak off, everybody was surprised. He was wearing a plain black, silk two-piece swimsuit. And lastly James Potter arrived, wearing a t-shirt, pants and pair of simple sneakers. Everybody was like "Why are you wearing that?" and James was like, "My Fafa is so protective." 

            The meeting of the high council of the gays took place when the members were already complete.

            "I called you here tonight, to discuss with you some matters about our Gay Lord Cyril," Saruman Suman started. 

            He was, from time to time, glancing at the gorgeous and handsome Elven bodyguards of the Prince of Mirkwood. He also moved around a lot, waving his long grayish-white hair. 

            "Uh, no he looks stupid." Legolas thought but he did nothing but raise his right eyebrow.

            "Stop flirting for a moment Saruman Suman and tell us what this is all about," Harry Potter demanded. He was quite annoyed by how Saruman Suman looked stupid and gross while flirting. "He's really a trying hard, ugly fag," He thought.

            Saruman Suman smiled at the Elven bodyguards and blew them a kiss first before he continued, "Alright, as we all know, our mission here in Middle Earth is to convert every straight men and elves to gay. And to do that we have to find the One Mirror. There's no problem for us because we are naturally gay but what about the straight men and elves?" He glanced at the Elven bodyguards again and he winked at them seductively. Then he continued, "We will need the One Mirror's help. Also, the One Mirror would give our Gay Lord Cyril back his life. Our Gay Lord Cyril contacted me last night through my cellular phone. He even sent me his picture. By the way, he has a Nokia 7650, that's how he sent me his picture. And to tell you the truth, our Gay Lord Cyril isn't looking very beautiful at the moment. But he will be able to restore his beauty if only we recover the One Mirror. So to make this long story short, he asked me to find the One Mirror and of course I can't do it alone. Now I'll ask you, who among you wants to be part of the Fellowship of chaRings?"

            "Uh, duh! Of course I'll join," Harry Potter was the first who spoke. He waved his hand vainly as if saying 'are you stupid?'.

            "Oh, well, since my son is joining I'll join too," James Potter replied shyly.

            "I can't. What will happen during full moons? I might turn you all to werewolves," Remus Lupin said sadly.

            "Oh honey, we'll miss you!" Antonio looked sympathetically at Remus then he went near Remus and gave him a hug reserved for the fags. He then broke the hug and faced Saruman Suman then he announced, "Of course I'll be part of the fellowship."

            "I don't want to be left behind." Legolas smiled then he crossed his legs sophisticatedly.

            "Can we bring our fafas?" James Potter asked.

            The fags looked at each other then they looked at Saruman Suman with puppy dog eyes. 

            "Well, they might turn to gays when they see the One Mirror." Saruman Suman replied.

            "Not if they truly love us. And with that I'm certain that my fafa loves me," James Potter said. Then he looked at the other gays who are now known as the chaRings.

            "Mine loves me," Remus replied. "But I won't go anyway so it's okay."

            "Oh well, mine loves me," Antonio crossed his arms.

            "I have no fafa. So I have no problem," Legolas said.

            "I have no fafa too and it's quite depressing," Harry pouted.

            "Alright, alright girls you may bring your fafas in one condition," Saruman Suman said.

            The chaRings looked at Saruman Suman abruptly, stopping their conversation about their fafas. Then James Potter asked, "What's the condition?"

            "No sex. As in N.O. S.E.X. during the journey," Saruman Suman said.

            Antonio's jaw dropped open. Remus chuckled. And James whined, "What?!?!? No sex??? Why?"

            "Well that's the condition; bring your fafa but no sex." Saruman Suman replied.

            "Haha! This is gonna be a very nice journey for all of you." Remus mocked.

            James stuck his tongue out at Remus which made him look really childish. Then he said, "At least we're part of the fellowship."

            "I'm part of the fellowship too. I just can't go." Remus answered.

            "Whatever. Loser!" James sneered.

            "Girls. Stop that." Saruman Suman said. 

            The two chaRings glared at each other before returning their attention to Saruman Suman. 

            Then Saruman Suman continued, "So, take some beauty rest dear chaRings and we'll start our journey tomorrow afternoon. Do not bring too much make up. Do not bring you tanning bed. Do not bring your whole closet. Do not bring all your make-ups. Just bring a small kikay kit; that would be fine."

            "Okay," The chaRings said. One by one they stood up and gave each other a gay kiss on the cheek then went for their beauty rest.

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F.Y.I.

Lord of chaRings – Gay Lord Cyril

Lord of chaRings' Fafa - Voldie X (Voldemort)

Fellowship of chaRings:

1. Harry Potter (fafa: Draco Malfoy)

2. Remus Lupin (fafa: Sirius Black)

3. Legolas Greenleaf (fafa: Aragorn, Prince of Gondor)

4. Antonio (Merchant of Venice) (fafa: Bassanio)

5. James Potter (fafa: Lucius Malfoy)

6. Saruman Suman (fafa: Professor Dumbledore)

chaRings – fags, gays

Fafa – chaRing's lover; boyfriend

Kikay kit – vanity kit


	3. Chapter 2: The Two Fafas Part One

As usual, I own nothing. Like I am nothing… nothing… nothing! If I don't love you… uh, ok whatever! 

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Chapter 2: The Two Fafas (Part One)

            The next day, it was about nine in the morning and the fellows of chaRings were still sleeping in their suites in Waldorf Astoria. 'Mother' Saruman Suman sent Britney Spears to be their wake-up-call. 

            "All right, Britney, you have to wake the fellowship up. Do whatever you can so they'll wake up. And yes, try not to annoy them very much. Remember they are important people. All right?" Saruman Suman instructed as he was curling his grayish-white hair in front of a very huge mirror with some fashion experts helping him choose his outfit for the day.

            "Oh you mean if I don't annoy them I'm gonna be like super popular and like super famous and I get to be part of the fellowship too?" Britney asked excitedly.

            "Well not exactly my dear. You see, you had a sex transplant and you're a girl now. You can't possibly be part of the fellowship anymore," Saruman Suman replied, now he was curling his 2-feet long armpit hairs.

            "But I used to be a boy," Britney pouted.

            "Well, we'll talk about that later alright? Now you better go and wake the chaRings up," Saruman Suman waved his left hand vainly, dismissing Britney.

            "Oh all right," Britney then marched out of Saruman Suman's suites and ran towards the middle of the hotel. She err, I mean he… no, she asked for a microphone from the hotel manager. First she (err, he…?) tried the microphone, knocking the head of the microphone three times then saying, "Does this thing works?" After making sure that the microphone is working she (hell, he?!?) started singing, "Oh baby, baby how was I suppose to know… that something wasn't right yeah! Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go." She (maybe he…) started doing her dirty dancing and continued singing, "Show my how you want it to be… Tell me baby cause I need to know now oh because! My loneliness is killing me and I, I must confess I still believe, still believe, remember with you I lose my mind… Give me a sign… Hit me baby one more time!"

             After Britney's little concert, the chaRings went out of their suites looking really annoyed.

            "I need the manager! Where the hell is the manager?" Harry Potter asked. His voice was very calm and low. Everyone thought his attitudes changed because they're not used to a calm and low-toned Harry Potter but they were wrong. Harry was still wearing some mud packs on his face and he doesn't want to ruin it that's why he cannot use his high-pitched, shrieking voice. Then he continued murmuring, "I can't believe it, we're paying for a nice and peaceful stay here. And what do we get? We get disturbed by some kind of freak in the morning. Where the hell is the manager!"

            "What the fuck! She's gonna kill us! My ears almost bleed!" Antonio, the merchant of Venice, screamed.

            "Now, now, what was that all about?" Legolas asked calmly, being the calm and most poised of the chaRings.

            "I'm going to look for that girl… or boy or whatever he… or she is. I'm going to look for her… or him and I'm going to kill him… or her!" Remus said, eyes flaring with anger.

            "Oh I wish Lucius is here. For sure he'll take care of that girl… or boy for me. Oh how I miss my Lucius," James said quietly to himself. 

            The chaRings was getting ready to look for that stupid bitch who gave him headache when Saruman Suman went out of his suite and greeted them.

            "Ah, my dear chaRings. You're up at last," Saruman Suman said, his arms rose to, one by one, give the chaRings a good morning hug. 

            The chaRings looked disgustedly at the curled armpit hairs that were exposed when Saruman Suman raised his arms. 

            "Uh how dare he wear pink leather pants and black tube? That ugly fag. He doesn't even have fake boobies! That flat-chested freak," Harry thought then he cried out loud, "Saruman! How dare you copy my way of dressing? Where did you get those pink leather pants? I think those are mine."

            "Oh, forget about it son. Remember, you'll get and look old early when you're always angry," James Potter whispered quietly to his son and Harry stopped instantly.

            "Alright, now as I can see you're not ready yet. I'm giving you all an hour to finish bathing, dressing and putting on some make-ups then we'll leave," Saruman instructed.

            "What?!? An hour!?! Are you insane?!? You're giving us an hour while you, I think, had five hours getting ready?" Legolas roared. This seemed to anger him.

            "All right, two hours," Saruman replied.

            "Five." Legolas said.

            "Three." Saruman shot back.

            "Seven." Remus butted in.

            "Five and a half…" Saruman answered. It was too late for him to realize his mistake because the chaRings went hurriedly in their suites, seemingly satisfied with the allotted time for them to prepare.

            Then Britney appeared. She… or he went near Saruman with a wide grin and said, "So how was I? Did you hear me sing? Did they like it? Were they awakened by my beautiful voice?"

            Harry went out of his suite again and confronted Britney, "So it was you. You stupid, worthless piece of shit! You think your voice was beautiful? You almost killed us with your stupid 'singing' if that's what you call it!" 

            "I… I'm sorry. I just want to be part of the fellowship," Britney nearly cried.

            "Oh no honey, you'll never be part of the fellowship so sod off!" Harry said.

            Britney, feeling so humiliated, ran away with her face in her hands, crying. She… or he didn't realize that she was in the 50th floor and she didn't see that she was running towards a full-length glass window with no grills, just glass. They heard a loud crash and the next thing they know was Britney was already on the ground floor covered with blood.

            "Oh well, at least Middle Earth lost another weird bitch," Harry said. Then he shrugged and went back inside his suite.

Five hours later…

            Harry went out of his suite, ready to face another day. On his face was a very beautiful smile. He was wearing a very short shorts this time and black tank top. On his feet were plain flat slippers. Legolas then went out of his suite wearing a long white turtle neck gown with long sleeves. Everybody was like "as usual, the most conservative of all" but when legolas turned around, they saw that the backside of his gown was see through… as in really *see through*. Remus Lupin went out wearing nothing but body paint. He had werewolves painted on his private areas and he's slippers were delicate glass slippers embroidered with flowers and precious gems. Antonio as usual was wearing a black cloak but this time everybody didn't think he was the most decent because they know that underneath those cloaks he was wearing nothing but two-piece swimsuit and they weren't mistaken. Only this time he was wearing cotton not silk and red not black. Of course, by wearing two-piece swimsuit means exposing his hairy legs, chest and arms. And last but not the least to go displaying his 'fashion' was James Potter. He was then wearing simple pair of sneakers (as usual), a cute short skirt and simple shirt. They went infront of the hotel, at the reception area, or lobby (or whatever you call it) to wait for their ride when a tall dark haired handsome guy came in. he was lean, muscular and was looking really strong (ohh…). The guy went to talk to the receptionist and the chaRings were actually drooling. They went near the guy like a dog following his master.

            "I'd like to have a room please," The guy told the reception while looking at the chaRings as if saying 'are you weirdos?'.

            "Yes, sir?" The receptionist asked waiting for other details.

            "Oh yeah, a room for two. Actually if your most expensive suite is available I'd like to take that," The guy said.

            "Yes sir, it is available now can I see your credit card sir?" The receptionist asked.

            "Oh yes, of course," The guy handed the receptionist a gold card embroidered with sparkling diamonds.

            The receptionist's eyes widened at the sight of the card and it widened more when she read the name on the card. Then she said excitedly, "Yes sir, I'll have the luggage boy bring your stuff into your suite. Sir, enjoy your stay." She motioned for around ten luggage boys to assist the guy.

            The guy clapped his hands and around five men-in-blacks entered, each carrying at least two Louie Vitton luggage.

            The chaRings didn't noticed this because they were still mesmerized by the gorgeous guy and they were still fantasizing on how it was very good to be in those strong arms when they were 'awakened' by the guys loud and high-pitched voice.

            "You stupid worthless morons! I told you, one of you, I don't know who but I told you to bring my tanning bed!" The guy screamed at his 'bodyguards'.

            The chaRings gasped. Then Harry Potter shrieked, "Ahhh! We were actually drooling over you and you also happen to be a fag! Oh you… Would you like to be part of chaRings?" He went near the guy…errr gay… and gave him a peck on his left and right cheek.

            "Oh, part of chaRings? What do we do?" The guy asked.

            "We have a quest. To turn all straight men to gays," Legolas answered.

            "Well, I'd love to but I think you are going on your quest right about now and I can't leave now, I'm still waiting for my lover," The guy answered.

            "Hey, no problem, you can bring your fafa. I'm going to bring mine," James answered, as usual, shyly.

            "Fafa?" The guy asked.

            "That's what we call our boyfriends… our Fafas," Antonio answered.

            "Oh, very well then, alright, but can we wait for my fafa? He just went out to buy something, I don't know what but he'll be here soon," The guy asked.

            "Oh of course darling," Remus answered.

            "Oh yeah, what's your name?" Legolas asked.

            "Clark…" The guy answered. "Clark Kent."

            "Oh I'm Legolas Greenleaf," Legolas introducesd himself then he pointed at Harry, "And this is Harry," then he pointed at Remus, "And this is Remus," Then at Antonio, "And Antonio," Then lastly at James, "And James."

            "Oh, hi," Clark gave them all a fag-hug.

            "Oh and yeah, we're waiting for the other chaRing, Saruman Suman. We'll ask him later if you could be part of the fellowship of chaRings too," James said timidly.

            "Oh yes, I'd love to be part of the chaRings. You seem to be so happy and pretty and oh, I really want to be part of the chaRings," Clark said with a big smile.

            The chaRings were all chatting excitedly with their new found gay friend when a bald and sexy man entered the hotel.

            Clark turned towards the man and a sweet smile lit up his face. He walked towards to man and gave the man a passionate kiss on the lips before he pulled the man towards the chaRings and introduced him to them. "ChaRings, this is my 'fafa' Lex Luthor," Clark said happily.

            Some of the chaRings gave a shy smile, other seductive smile while other an elegant, formal smile while they greet him, "Hi Lex."

            "Oh, hello… err.. ladies," Lex greeted back. He then turned towards Clark and pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket, opened it and gave it the Clark then he said, "This is for you love."

            "Oh how sweet," James said, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

            Clark smiled then he told Lex, "They are the chaRings and I want to be part of chaRings also. They have a quest, to turn all straight men to gays. I want to be one of them."

            "Love, you'll leave me here?" Lex asked.

            "Oh no, you can come with us, please… please let me be part of chaRings," Clark whined.

            "Well," Lex looked at the chaRings first. All of them with puppy dog eyes, silently begging for him to let Clark go with them. Then he sighed and said, "Alright, but I'll come with you."

            "Yehey! Of course, I'll bring you with me," Clark answered.

            It was then when the chaRings' ride arrived. Lucius Malfoy arrived with his elegant, beautiful and proud carriage for four persons. He was with his son Draco Malfoy and he was there to pick up James Potter.

            "James honey, let's go," Lucius called.

            "Wait, my son he has no ride," James replied.

            "He can ride here with us. My carriage can accompany four persons and it still has one room for one. I only have you and my son here and your son, well, we're four," Lucius answered elegantly.

            "Alright, let's go now Harry," James said.

            The Potters and Malfoys started their journey and since the beginning of their journey, Harry and Draco were giving each other seductive smiles and they were winking at each other.

            Lex and Clark offered Legolas a ride and Legolas didn't refuse, he was one of those chaRings who doesn't have fafa. They walked towards Lex' Ferrari and off they went.

            Bassanio arrived with his sidekick Gratiano to pick up Antonio. They brought with them three thousand ducats thinking that they would need it in their journey.

            And lastly, Sirius Black arrived on his flying motorcycle but they didn't go on the journey because Remus was excused from the quest so they just stayed in the Hotel and did their thing. 

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F.Y.I.

Lord of chaRings – Gay Lord Cyril

Lord of chaRings' Fafa - Voldie X (Voldemort)

Fellowship of chaRings:

1. Harry Potter (fafa: Draco Malfoy)

2. Remus Lupin (fafa: Sirius Black)

3. Legolas Greenleaf (fafa: Aragorn, Prince of Gondor)

4. Antonio (Merchant of Venice) (fafa: Bassanio)

5. James Potter (fafa: Lucius Malfoy)

6. Saruman Suman (fafa: Professor Dumbledore)

7. Clark Kent (fafa: Lex Luthor)

chaRings – fags, gays

Fafa – chaRing's lover; boyfriend


End file.
